Monday, August 2, 2010

Nueva York, Weddings, and Mayhem.

So I wrote this huge post about my trip, my brothers wedding, and other stuff but then I realized it was lame so yeah, scratch that crap. People have been bugging me to post so here: Went to NYC in June, saw awesome friends & had a blast. Ate GREAT food again (Utah cuisine is goat crap in comparison) got training I've wanted for work so all in all it was a great trip (downside was terrible heat & constantly feeling like a sweat mop). Wedding- Bug (little brohelm) got hitched, he's happy, she's happy, so I'z happy. congrats, love you both, go make a nephew so I can have a sidekick (but seriously it was nice & I like Kelly & her family) mayhem? dunno where I was going with that. I've mostly recovered from the dirt-bike incident (new scar on my arm) and am about to possibly repeat it this weekend on another outing. Saw friends in Idaho, fun except scotty was missing *sad face, tears blah blah blah* I hope we all can get together again this fall though cuz I really did have fun seeing everyone on my expeditions this year. Anyways my life the last few months has been chaotic, exhausting, and all over the place. I work too much. I don't fish/camp enough. I miss my college buddies and brothers. I miss Jeb. But life itself is great, it just seems like there is never enough time to do all the things I need to or all the things I want. I assume it will be like this until I die...lame. My brother is going to have another kid & it better be a boy... I love my two little nieces but it would be so awesome to be able to have a nephew to teach awesome things like how to make dry ice bombs, or how to build potato guns, or just good'ol throwing rocks at cars. My nieces just want to do things like have tea parties or do girlie things.... the fact that I suck it up and participate for the happiness of two little girls doesn't change the fact that I feel like a gaylord the entire time. Maybe I'll just adopt my own kid? maybe train him to be my bodyguard/assassin? that would be awesome. Plus I would totally be an awesome dad. Who needs a mom anyways? they just make you soft and stuff... I bet Ivan Drago didn't have a mom & he turned out to be pretty awesome (anyone that can max out a Russian punch-o-meter is automatically awesome...even if Rocky beats them in the end) But besides more money, the only thing I feel like I would like to have is; more time to just do whatever I want. I want to travel more & spend more time abroad. I want to learn other languages and experience foreign cultures (how badass would it be to speak Chinese/Thai???). What I don't want: to constantly keep hear my elders and others say I'm "missing out on life" because I'm not married with children. Hell, they make it sound like it's something you can find on sale at freaking Target! seriously, what the hell? I've not sat around twiddling my thumbs all these years, I've had plenty of girlfriends, continue to date plenty & whatnot but it just ain't worked out. Sure it would be nice to have a family but when people then go and suggest I just marry a friend "because you get along so well".... what the eeeeefffff???  I totally call bullshit. I highly doubt you advice givers would have married your significant other if you didn't love them or want to get freaky with them. And for the record: I don't feel the need to do something just b/c it's the "norm" for our culture or just to check it off some predefined redonkulous list. Last time I checked there are no age regulations so please back off. I'll tell ya what....when I find a girl that is attractive, agreeable, and am retarded in love with, (and that happens to feel the same way about me) I'll seal the effffffing deal. Hopefully I'll still be fertile when/if it does happen, but if not... oh well. I've fought the good fight plenty of times & let slide opportunities as well but one thing is for sure.... although there are a couple things I would alter slightly I'm pleased with the choices I've made. I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have the good/horrible experiences I did & I'd much rather be alone and happy than married to someone I don't love, that would make me miserable. Epistle over. On an awesome note I got my dad the coolest fathers day present ever... only requirement... he gives it back when he dies. I bought this book about our family line in England that was printed in the 1800's its got excerpts from three of our direct ancestors. It has a bunch of history/stories about how badass they were as well as actual excerpts from their personal writings!!! I bet most people don't really think thats all that cool but whatev's, my great x 10 grandpappy probably ruled over yours sucka!! I now delcare Prima Nocta for all of Utah..... long live me.

Monday, May 24, 2010

New Mexico.... Where the air tastes like blood.

We'll get to why it tastes that way but first I would like to say how much I've enjoyed the last few weeks. One of my best frengs got married and that also let me see a bunch of my other best friends, chaos & awesomeness ensued. Then I went to Puerto Vallarta for a week of glory. I'd like to use the "f" word to emphasize how awesome it was but I have no idea how sensitive the people that read this are. So I'll go the Utard route and say it was "so fetchin awesome" FACT: Matt Stanley does not like the ocean- It is vast and full of unknown creatures... I've never really enjoyed swimming in it due to unnatural and ridiculous fears i.e. A megladon/plesiosaur eating me, an Architeuthis rising from the deep to grab me with it's tentacles, or just any shark ever swimming near me. I sucked it up though and went snorkeling. It was a terrifyingly epic adventure. I saw huge ass eagle rays and other saline swimming creatures. But I still remain extremely wary of the ocean and it's inhabitants. If you are planning on going to Mexico, Puerto Vallarta is the way to go. You can drink the water, it's really safe, the food is awesome, the people were nice, and it was basically an amazing place. The street tacos were the best thing ever, and I think I ate a pineapple a day. Surfing = easier than boogie boarding (although this might be b/c of my not-so-slight figure) and deep sea fishing was a crapshoot (we caught fish but not too much, I think it was a crappy time of year to fish) Bottom line : I love that place and plan on going back many times. Now on to the taste of death. Although my mouth was full of dirt & other shiz that made it's way in during my flight, for the rest of the day my mouth tasted like metal. What happened? I was dirtbiking in New Mexico with my cousins and I thought I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay hardcorer (new word) than I apparently am. I went down a hill gung-ho and paid the price. Eyewitnesses reported my ass lifting off when I hit the first bump and I was in full flight when I hit the second. I managed a full rotation with a slight twist spanning over +/- 25 feet whilst 4ft off the ground. Impact with the terrain was..... unfavorable. Ragdolled/skidded another several feet before sliding to a stop. Total spectacle was described as "totally awesome" (which, of course, is EXACTLY what I was shooting for....I aim to please) What I remember thinking prior to everything is as follows: "wow this is steep.... maybe I should go around..... but then I'll get crap for being a pussy, so just do it or you'll regret not trying.... buuuuut it's really steep. whatever, nate thinks I've got it so I'll just do it like he goes nothin.... wow... i'm goin reaaaally fast, what the hell... the brake isn't working." **Bump #1**   "F$%# "  **Bump #2** "we have liftoff" Next I remember spinning tons, hitting my chest really hard, bouncing, hitting my head, seeing black with blue explosions, hitting my shoulder then sliding to a stop.... enter pain stage right. You just survived my dirtbike wreck. I have bruises on my face, knees, ribs, back, chest, arms, shoulder, and back. But I somehow avoided breaking any bones, or hitting the cactuses I landed near. It was a miracle. but it still hurt(s) like a you know what. On the bright side, I had a blast in New Mexico chilling with my homeboy Nate & I'd like to publicly thank my cousin Sharon for alleviating the initial onslaught of pain with a pretty little pill. Although my body hates me, I had a blast. My cousins are just like me.... awesome.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Selective Socializing.

I may or may not have achieved Zen. Life is good, crazy busy, but really good. Lately I've had this overwhelming feeling of inner peace & contentment and I know exactly why. I don't give a crap. Seriously. I could care less about social circles, stupid run of the mill conversations with people I just met but will most likely never talk to again, sharing my life stories with strangers, etc... I guess it could just be selfishness manifesting itself as what my friend recently called my "antisocial behavior" but whatever. I like how my life is, I like being able to do what I want when I want. I like not having to deal with other peoples drama or listen to them babble about things I could care less about, I like coming home from a long day at work & being able to read a book/watch tv/do whatever with zero distractions, I like my life. period. I'm not antisocial... more like... socially selective. I don't like going to stupid mass gatherings (usually consisting of lame or cheesy activities) full of marriage-hungry singles that seem to only care about what I do for a living, what I look like, hooking up, or what I can do for them. It's also interesting how quickly people can suddenly take interest when professions are discussed. And no, I'm not just talking about girls, guys do it too... they call it networking, I call it annoying netjerking & no I don't want your contact information. Basically I guess I'm saying I like my current friends, it doesn't matter that they are all over the place. I don't need a million acquaintances anymore. I don't need to feel popular or even liked. I don't care if you don't like me and I'm pretty good at seeing through the BS people that see other humans as resources to advance their own agenda, whatever it may be. Chances are I'm not going to bend over backwards for you if you don't take the time to actually get to know me. Maybe I'm just an A-hole? But at this point I don't really care. I love my life & don't need to surround myself with Machiavellian, fake people just to increase my friends on facebook. So I resent being called antisocial.... I see it as a calculated opportunity cost: it's a waste of time & resources dallying with people you'll probably never really get close with. It's much more efficient to allocate said time & resources to established relationships or educational endeavors. Maybe it's just the people here in Utah? sometimes when I accompany my amigos to these group functions I feel like I hit the flux capacitor & went back to high school (minus the whole awkward voice cracking hair in funny places everyone needs deodorant biz) so yeah, call me whatever you like but I have no desire to interact with people that are in their mid to late twenties but still act like a teenager in one of those high school musical movies. I guess it's cuz I'm oh so mature? yeah right I'll always be an immature idiot. It's more like I could give less a crap about being part of the scene/popular. It ain't quantity amigos it's quality... and Utah is severely lacking in the latter... I, on the other hand, am not.

-Grandpa Stanley

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

To: The Half-Ass Assassin

So someone crawled under my car and "deliberately tampered" with my shiz. What the hell? the mechanic (who used the aforementioned words in quotes) asked me if I had tinkered with it & I was like "uhhhhhh why would I need to monkey around with a brand new car"?? he was apparently wondering the same thing. He then told me to watch my car VERY carefully..... with much emphasis on the italicized word....weirdness?? to be honest I instantly was pondering those who I might have pissed off recently.... and then pondered how shitty they are as a killer if they cut the power steering line instead of something important, like my brakes or gas line. So congrats to whomever you are... you successfully made steering difficult (although you did waste a chunk of my time) and you are an amateur saboteur & probably suck at life as well. But it still makes me wonder who the heck would crawl under my car and cut stuff up??? honestly?? Know this suckafish: You did not do any significant damage nor did you cost me a wooden nickel (FYI-wait a few years/100,000 miles for all my warranties to expire) and most awesomely: I'm still 1000% alive.... in fact my forearms are even buffer from the workout they got steering the Radmobile around town w/o powersteering. So I guess I should say thanks for the workout. Next time you want to get revenge do your homework and really try to find a way to mess things up cuz all you did was put this mug on red alert so beware.... the Lord is now vigilant.

p.s. just in case you are contemplating a repeat effort (although you should do some research about how engines work and such) know this: I recently acquired one of these  **CLICK ME** and will not hesitate to use it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A B A Select Start.

Having infinite lives would be totally awesome. But would you feel the pain every time you died?? those dudes in Contra were hardcore. This game stirs memories from my misspent youth.... blasting away at digital creatures for hours. BUT I credit Nintendo with my cat like reflexes & amazing hand to eye coordination.... if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be able to kick ass at Xbox & other games nor would I be able to karate chop stuff out of the air with ease, block punches effortlessly, and tons of other hand related tricks. Thank you Nintendo for making me even more awesome and for adding "alien ass kicker" to my resume.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Four Motharrr Russia

I've noticed that we all seem to have a little Russian in us... and if you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, just think about it. Here we are, English speakers, and every now and then we can't spit our words out in a intelligent native sounding sentence, instead we blurt out something that is a mix of English words scotch taped together in a spastic fashion For example:  My friend said "you want come with us"  the omission of the word "to" instantly transforms the sentence to a Eastern Bloc accent in my head and mockery swiftly spews forth from my mouth. It's sometimes humiliating (in a meeting at work..*unless it's someone else*) sometimes hilarious (anytime other than work). But seriously... it happens to everyone, the question is: Why? is it because we suck at our native language? or because some of us have incredibly intelligent & fast brains that our mouths can't keep up with? or because a momentary lapse of reason? Wikipedia seems to know the answer... it's called Cluttering   or tachyphemia. So check it out b/c that my friends, is what lets us speak English in Russian...

Another mystery solved Comrades....