Friday, December 30, 2011

Reeeeeeeeeedonkulous

Soooo I'm headed to LA in a few hours to visit some long lost friends from college & celebrate new years. For years on end I've been preached to about the glories of SoCal....so we'll see if the the reality lives up to the hype....Last time I was in LA I thought it was one of the anuses of the universe. I have been assured this trip will change my mind... Should be fun though, warm weather, the beach, people watching at mormo parties, California girls, the ocean (which I still think is full of evil creatures/sharks), and whatever else they have planned. I've admittedly been anti for years but it's mostly because of how SoCal people are like Texas worshippers (but with more $$ & more pride) so maybe I'll have a change of heart. I'll probably post after I get back & even throw some pictures on here... in the meantime- Happy New Years amigos hope everyone had a good year!! And to all my married friends- Thanks for the Xmas cards, it really is good to see/hear from y'all!

-Matticus

Friday, December 16, 2011

Hohoho's & nonono's

Went to the Anberlin concert last night, it was awesome but freezing. They might be one of the best live bands I've heard in a while...I would definitely go see them if they show up in your town. Although be prepared to deal with an Emo Army.... Also picked up the Galaxy Nexus phone yesterday & so far it's freakin awesome.... Its fast, light, and everything I expected.... it happens to be my favorite thing in the world right now (the picture in this post is from the phone). Also found out my bonus & got a raise yesterday as well, it's been a nice few days. Lately some amigos & I have been attending xmas gatherings in the valley, turns out I love people watching more than ever! These things are prime time. It's typically like this... a billion guys show up & are all over the smaller # of girls, then all the guys leave due to the horrible ratio & within a short time the flood of girls starts to show up...and then cycle repeats itself. By the time the party is supposed to end its about even & a lot less crazy & gets fun b/c you can actually hear/talk to people without being millimeters apart. Also it's usually the same crowd every time so you think they would eventually figure this out? nooooope. It's like the movie groundhog day (with the exception that the locations & clothes change). Its ridiculously entertaining to me. The other part I like is bumping into people that I haven't seen in years/since college... totally random & sometimes totally awkward. Its funny though because when I see/talk to them I remember things that I couldn't have ever recalled without the interaction. There's a bunch more this weekend so we'll see if the cycle continues....

Anyways... I have been a bit too liberal with my ramblings as of late... I didn't think anyone really read this & really mostly write it as a way to get stuff off my mind but that = horrible idea thats taken more than 4 years & a reality check to realize. Sometimes I just don't think about stuff... with this I have always just written & never really thought of the implications... oops.  No more of that. I never realized the full scope of accessibility & stalkerism that occurs on the interwebs... I don't want to go private but removed most of my personal info & posts that said way too much about what goes on in my mind. Apologies.  I would hate to jeopardize my career, personal relationships, & other things for in-the-moment ramblings that can be misinterpreted & skewed to a readers whim. Or get my butt kicked by someone I offend. So yeah, I'm kind of having one of those "am I seriously that stupid" moments. Ooops.

Hope all is well amigos!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Winter is coming.....

And so are the brisk shuffles through the snow to get to my car (while trying not to freeze to death/get snow in my shoes) freezing while the heater takes eternity to heat up, warm nights buried in an over-sized comforter, cider, hot cocoa from the 7-11 with freeze dried marshmallows, netflix, harry potter nights with my nieces, going to St. George & not melting, Christmas lights, Thanksgiving, turkey, football, seeing my brothers, holiday parties, etc.... some things are going to be different but some things never change. Hopefully this winter has some pleasant surprises I don't know about yet or am waiting to come to fruition. But I think this is winter is going to bring a lot of new changes. I'm excited yet nervous to see how things turn out. The biggest change is probably going to be where I live... I am finally ready to buy my own place & am just starting the hunt for a new lair. I might build a place (no more fixer-uppers) but am probably going to try to stay close to where I'm at now b/c I want to be close to my nieces & nephew.... soooo I guess we'll just have to see what happens.... My job is going great, I work more but am learning tons & progressing so I'm pretty pumped for where/how things are going. This is shaping up to be a good year & I have way to much going for me to complain about what I'm lacking/missing. I still wish I could win the powerball though.... and maybe have a time traveling DeLorean so I could go to the future & grab the winning numbers. that would be neat.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Autumn

Calling Autumn Fall is like calling a Ferrari a Dodge.... don't ask me to explain.. I just hate calling it "Fall". Autumn is by far my favorite time of year, the smell, warm colors, crisp air, cool nights, wet leaves, rainy days, pumpkins, blah blah blah.... I freakin loooooove it. If it could be Autumn year round I would be fine with that. For some reason the changes during this season always make me introspective. Maybe it's the splendor around me that reminds me that God made this awesomeness & I am but a tiny cog in the mechanics of Gods super Ferrari... maybe it's just me trying to prepare for the cold crappy winter by sorting through the things in my life? don't really know, don't really mind. It's not always fun but it sure is always enlightening. I love the smell outside when I leave for work... the air is best described as "crisp" the smell of dew soaked leaves fills the air, the sound of crunching leaves as I walk, a touch of mist on the bench sometimes & I can usually see the sunlight just starting to make the tops of the eastern mountains glow. Life at 6am is serene. Sometimes I wish I could just sit & watch the sun come over those mountains, watching the neighborhood come alive like little worker bees or something. Its small moments like these that make me truly happy & remind me why I'm here.... not to become a billionaire, emperor, rockstar, celebrity, Nobel prize winner or anything like that.... I'm here to be happy. To learn to love myself & other people. To increase my knowledge temporally by using this life as a tool to learn how to learn and also how to teach. Fact: I'm not the best church going member, I have tons of self improvements I've sucked at implementing but lately I have been super grateful for the gospel that we have as well as this place we've been given. I'm blessed to be an American. I'm blessed to have learned about Jesus Christ & God in my youth. I'm blessed to have the interactions & experiences I've had with others, even the negative ones. The negative things hurt bad sometimes but they help me grow as a person & I think I wouldn't have the perspective I do if they never happened. Do I still have things I need to get over... of course... I'm working on it. To my friends I've been neglecting.... I'm sorry. I love you guys. To people I've wronged or offended... I'm also sincerely sorry. I'm not depressed or anything like that, I'm just trying to get right with myself & my God. I have felt kind of lost for a while, like I don't really fit in anymore... no, I don't need attention, I don't need sympathy, I don't need anything really. God shows me regularly how lucky I am. I wish I could make answering the crazy deep questions I have my full time job. I hate that we spend most of our day working so that we can be comfortable & usually I'm too selfish/stupid to use my spare time to get into studying the gospel. Sometimes I think that I have something to overcome or learn before I'm allowed to have what I really do want most (a family of my own). Maybe it's a matter of me not being worthy of it yet... maybe it's just not meant to be in this life.. I dunno. But right now I need to start changing my life to match the one I want. Honest truth... more than anything in the universe I want to be a dad. I've even looked into adopting a kid by myself but know it wouldn't work. I work too much & know I couldn't do it alone (changing diapers would kill me... I'd end up with a poopy diaper & my vomit everywhere). Am I desperate to get married? no, obviously not. Ideally I'd like to marry someone that I absolutely love & that absolutely loves me in the right place at the right time. However, have I been making an effort to make that happen?... not really. Do I date? Yes but not as much as I used to. Am I lonely? sometimes, but I'd hate to find someone & not be ready for it... Am I happy? yes! if anything I feel...incomplete. It's also hard when most of your close friends are married, I tend to feel a little like an oddball or something is wrong with me. For the record- I'm 30, single, and happy with where my life is going. My self-esteem with the fairer sex has definitely seen better days & that's the main thing I'm working on. My career is beginning to move in the direction I want & I am loving my work (ideally I would still rather win the powerball & retire this instant but we all have to eat..). I want to be better about praying, reading my scriptures, and stuff.... but I really don't anticipate me becoming a peter-priesthood/gung-ho... ever. I still think we Mormons are super dorky to the outside world & I still will dread/hate the stupid singles activities they come up with. This is long & probably way too personal. But I highly doubt I'm the only one that feels/has felt this way. Anyways I want to be better tomorrow than I am today, everyday. And I'm grateful God made the Autumn to remind me of these things... plus it seriously smells better than all the other seasons combined... times ten. 

Monday, September 26, 2011

Shelob bit me.

Sooooooooooo two posts ago I discussed my mysterious visit to the ER. Several days ago I found the creature in the picture (below) in one of my shoes & then found a smattering of it's babies & egg sacs.... grossness. As I was hunting for more of the beasts my brother & sister-in-law summoned me upstairs & were laughing. Upon inquiry they informed me that they initially thought I was a hypochondriac for my hospital visit but whilst reading the signs & symptoms of a bite from a black widow they realized it fit the description of my past malady almost to a "t". They thought it was super funny that many times people that don't know they were bit are mistakenly diagnosed with appendicitis b/c of the similar symptoms (see two posts ago)  I've been super paranoid that I had cancer or lymes disease or something b/c I had never felt that weird/way before in my entire life.  I also happened to have a big red welt on my foot at the time I went to the ER so there's no question that the frickin thing bit me. Weird. I'm almost glad I didn't know what it was at the time b/c I would have gone mental. But it's actually a little comforting that this is what happened & not the other crappy things I thought it might be. Fact: I'm terrified of being bitten by things that can inject you with venom. If I got bit by a snake I would probably just die from terror. The fact that I didn't even know I was bitten by the stupid spider makes me feel a little bit better but at the same time I find myself systematically checking all around my bed & in my clothes before I even consider getting into them. And I check all my shoes every night. Paranoia has got its firm grip on me until I'm 1000% sure there are no more beasts in my lair. Something awesome: I know my body can pwn spider venom. It took a solid 3-4 days for the pain/main symptoms to go away & I felt funky for a while after but I really didn't have any nasty side effects or issues after that. After much research I realized that 1. I need to re-do the weather stripping on my door so zero insects can get in. 2. cooler weather makes creatures want to enter your cozy abode 3. black widows like moisture & cool places like shoes so always check your shoes 4. each black widow egg sack can hatch several hundred babies (I found 7 egg sacs... 5.5 were empty... I burned the rest & hunted down others but am now vigilantly executing daily search & destroy missions) 5. although the bite from these beasts is greatly feared I'd be more concerned about the brown recluse bite, they cause much more damage & can actually mess you up royally, the black widow bite isn't really ever deadly & most people have zero problems/scarring. Bottom line.. spiders are still freaky & I'm still a hater. And it's totally worth going & buying that spray or having the orkin man come in his robot suit to destroy insectoids for you. This will never happen again. and here's a picture of the actual momma black widow that was in my shoe.....
My brother is going to invest it in plaster then cast it in metal so I can have it forever in statue form & also rest assured that it's death was as uncomfortable as my time dealing with it's chemical cocktail.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Strange Condition


I don't know what to do. Although currently it seems that there isn't much I can do other than what I already have. Life isn't a movie where people win in the end & get exactly what they wanted. Most real situations like mine tend to end in disappointment. Knowing what I know now I would for sure have done things totally different but thats the glory of miscommunication. Thats the glory of having agency. We get to choose how we react but we often don't get to choose how we feel. Right now I feel like I need guidance on how to deal with this but am not sure mere mortals have my answers. Ideally I'd like a time machine. Realistically all I can do is hope. Honestly I think it might be a lost cause. The funny thing is I have this mental image of what I should do but know that it is not realistic nor wise. Prudence happens to be a forte of mine, although notably sometimes to my detriment. Soooo all I can really do is hope for the best & what I would like, but continue to prepare for whats more likely & start moving on. It's a lot like this actually.... sans firearms of course.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Time Travel, Emergency Rooms, and Radiation

Spent most of the evening in the hospital, I'd felt like crap & had some gnarly pain in my abdomen so I went to the Urgent care who gave me a shot in my butt, sucked what felt like a gallon of blood, and made me pee in a cup only to tell me they thought I had appendicitis & needed to go to the hospital.... sooooo went to the hospital, got stabbed for blood a bunch more, peed in another cup & got an IV (luckily they gave me something that made me feel nothing for the next few hours) Got felt up by a doctor, did CT scans & then waited for eternity just to find out they don't know whats going on... they think I passed a kidney stone or my appendix is preparing to start a mutiny?? weird. I thought modern science could narrow it down a little better.... but at least I don't feel any pain right now. And I also have the comfort of knowing that my scans didn't show any aliens or tumors so I guess the hellish pain ain't so bad compared to what it could have been. Another thing I learned... CT scans are expensive... but cool & look like small stargates (without the hieroglyphs & water-portal thingy) sadly, when you go into one you are not taken to another point in the universe with Kurt Russel... just bombarded with radiation & given commands from a robot on when/when not to breathe. Thankfully, they drugs they gave me pretty much  sent me on an intergalactic adventure. If that was a kidney stone I would hate to feel what it's like to have one that gets stuck b/c I was pretty miserable for two full days!! ugh. Anyways its' another indication that I'm not as invincible as I think I am....

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Needs vs. Wants

I think I need a vacation... somewhere exotic, tropical, preferably with sand & shallow crystal clear water. I need to clear my head. I need to re-focus. I need to grow up. I need to not be so serious. I need to stop caring about some things. I need to start caring about others. I need to be more outgoing. I need to let go & yet I also need to hang on. Apparently I need to re-vamp myself/life/etc.... again. For the better. For my sanity. For my future. I think that having & working at self-improvement is healthy... I just wonder if people that read this think I'm Satan or a douche or something. More like I'm really hard on myself & like to tear up parts I don't like & reconstruct myself on a semi-annual basis.... not out of pity or crap like that... more like I want to be who I think I should be & know I'm supposed to be (I just really suck at sticking to the program) Life is good just kinda routine & a little boring lately. The markets are insane! which in turn makes my job stressful (hence the need for vacation) I also miss a certain someone....and I know that certain someone will most likely read this & that's fine with me. I'm excited to see my brothers & sister-in laws (one isn't officially but it feels like she is) Friday can't come fast enough. I need to get buff again. I LOVE my nieces & nephew... they are the funniest cutest kids ever & I pretty much hate that they are getting older & growing up so fast. I love how my Dad & I are becoming such good friends... In one day of fishing I learned more about his life than I did in the previous 29 years of my existence. He's such an awesome person & example of overcoming horrible odds/situations & seeing the positive. Pretty much right now I am feeling really peaceful, content & happy... I just miss people that I care about & are far away & others that I've lost touch with. My needs are self-improvements & my wants are righteous desires so I'm feeling that I'm in the right place.... for once. Except the vacation... it's selfish & I don't care. I deserve it, it's been a crazy year. So now I need to figure out where I'm going & how to keep this zen buzz forever.

Amen bossanovas

LS




Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dirty Thirty

I have mixed feelings about this... My 20's were really good to me... but I'm happy with where I am in life & how I got where I am. Life is good, I've got good friends, a good job, awesome family, adorable nieces & nephews, and my motorcycle. Is my life what I thought it would be? no, it's actually completely different in some aspects but right on track with others. But I'm happy with the roads I've taken to get to this point and have minimal regrets. Sure there are things that I wish could have worked out & didn't but that's life... plus who knows? there's always second chances for everything... or thirds... or sometimes even fourths (I think I don't learn some things very quickly) There are people I miss, people I hope to never see again, and people I hope I run into, but regardless of whether it was a good/bad experience I wouldn't be who I am today without them. Yeah, sometimes I feel alone & stuff but I usually give myself a reality check & literally count my blessings (i.e. that I am not starving in Africa, getting shot at in the Middle East, being controlled by an iron fist in Asia/Russia, or other horrible situations that exist around the globe) You could argue that pretty much every American has it better than the majority of the world. We have problems but none that involve dallying with death on a daily basis or being repressed to death. Sometimes I have a crap attitude about things but it only lasts a day or two before I pimpslap myself into admitting I'm just being a little bitch. I think everyone has pity parties every now and then but the thing is (I currently need to grasp this concept as well) the past is the past... you can't change it... but what you can do is move forward knowing that nothing you do/feel/want can alter the fact that things happened the way they did. Yeah, regrets constantly smack around in my head but I can't change things... and I accept that & try to move on as best I can. Holy crap I wish some things were different... but they aren't & I understand & am ok with it. The only regrets I have are generally fickle & selfish & mostly stupid idiotic things I've done/said. The only things that still affect me are justified but they don't rule me. I hope this doesn't sound crazy? I've been realizing that since we are here to learn Godly traits I assume we are supposed to have a bit of suffering every now and then... so in a twisted way I hate yet also relish the hard times because that's when I tend to learn the most about myself & how I really feel about everything. Sometimes I feel alone & no one understands me & my awkwardass self.... but I am consoled by the fact that I try to be myself in all my ridiculous glory... no false pretenses, masks, fronts.... just awkward, nerdy, idiotic, me. Sometimes I try to apply a "shut the eff up" filter but unfortunately, I usually end up saying whatever pops into my head.... sometimes to my ultimate detriment. Other times things make 1000% sense in my head but when I open my mouth it comes out as absolute gibberish/harsh/slightly insane & it sucks but I can't help it. I tend to think logically & sometimes don't comprehend how my statements  can be interpreted so many different ways.. also to my detriment. Maybe it's time I started trying to change this part of me (in addition to tons of other stuff) Introspection is tough, it's hard to admit you suck at things & try to change... it would be much easier if others just told you the things you suck at but most people are afraid to hurt peoples feelings. I guess self-mastery & introspection are just another stepping stone to becoming closer to the end goal but in the meantime it sure makes me feel like dirt.... which dampens the whole "have joy" part.... I need to not feel so guilty all the time, I blame myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong & can't help but feel the struggles I endure are directly related to my personal iniquities or failings. If God does hold grudges I'm toast but I sometimes wonder if he's just disappointed because I'm not living up to what he see's as my potential? and if so would that cause him to withhold blessings as a type of punishment? I hope not but ultimately wish I could have a pow-wow with the guy for some divine constructive criticism.  This is getting waaaaay longer than I meant. It's time to listen to Henry B. Eyrings law of increasing returns .... it's really not the same to read vs. listen... his tone & manner of speech make a world of difference to me.

Peace honkeys

LS

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Return of the King...

I've let him sleep too long... years ago, my friends and I ruled a rexburgian empire... our holdings were vast & our conquests many... then I graduated & turned into Mr. S-BS, got a 7-5 career oriented job & forgot how to act like royalty. My friends all got married & parties & chicks became less and less important when compared to my 401k match & profit-sharing. My demeanor became more structured & businesslike... and I forgot how to be a kid & act like the world revolves around me (doesn't it?) I like to think I'm calm & collected in dangerous situations(not involving snakes), stressful situations, really weird situations, or similar events (within reason, there are always extremes & everyone has the occasional freakout) The exception is when I'm confronted with the female situation... What the heck is it about girls that I find attractive that absolutely kills my composure & muddles my brain?? I turn into some blubbering idiot & say tons of stupid shit. It's super lame & annoys me to death. It also doesn't help that my buddy's totally exploit this problem of mine for sport... For example: went to my buddies baby blessing & saw a cute girl. realized my idiot mode had already kicked in so made sure not to next to her (lest I let my mouth open & make unintelligent noises) I was kinda hoping that someone/her would break the ice & I could use it as a stepping stone to a normal conversation where I actually manage not to say stupid stuff. Nope. My married buddy quickly comes over and while winking and elbowing me loudly says "HEY STAN, move over next to that hot babe so I can sit by my wife" yes... she heard him. Yes... I was instantly beyond embarrassed... I shot at him daggers that I wished drew blood & scooted over/tried not to pass out from the cold rush of blood to my head. I then tried to chat with her in my flustered state while my married buddies piped in other embarrassing comments & prodded me. I quickly felt extremely awkward/nauseous & fled the scene in the utmost of haste....end of interaction... I felt like a 12yr old... It's actually really funny now but at the time I wish I could have died. Sometimes I don't have problems at all... and it reaaaalllllly helps when I'm not super embarrassed from the start amigos.  If there's a wing-man (that's not out to watch me squirm) I tend not to be such a sissy either. I give presentations to my colleagues, speak with top executives in major corporations, and own most situations that could be considered stressful..... but speaking with a girl I've never met or think is really pretty shatters all my composure in milliseconds... I hate it. It's stupid. Sometimes even though I've taken a girl out that I know really well I still have sporadic moments where I feel completely out of my element or say stupid stuff that I should keep in my head.  What the eff does this to me? pheromones? adrenaline? the crazy awkwardness is sometimes funny, sometimes humiliating... but mostly the latter. I wish I could have had a re-do sometimes but I guess that's what makes dating so much darn fun...barf. Plus it helps when girls aren't so damn enigmatic all the time, don't us guys have to do enough of the work??? ohhhhh man... I don't even want to get started on that subject...  On another lighter note... I realized that since this is bloggarito is public, people I interact with can read it.. so please...if you read my ramblings... try not to read into things I say, as I do this mostly for me to process thoughts/ideas or whatever is on my mind... not to get attention or be passive aggressive towards particular people... that would be totally lame for me to do. End of disclaimer. Soooo let it be known... I'm about to embark on a journey to conquer this stupidness once and for all, and bring back the once and future king. I hope my friends hold me up to this boast & Dan.... next time you make that offer... be prepared to fork over some cash... but for the love... don't hinder me by making things more difficult than they already are!!!!

-Matticus

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Crux

Do I extinguish the spark or fan it? My logic says to put that crap out before you get burned again while my emotions are attempting to throw combustibles on it. The problem isn't me... It's the enigma of others intentions. Did I make a mistake??? I don't know. The funny thing is that when people say to just go with how you feel it's not really good advice b/c you really can feel two completely different things at once. It's like I'm on a bridge, I've got a torch in my hand & no matter which side I choose I've got to light the bridge on fire when I cross. One side is a open to the public willy wonka land while the other is a private secluded trail that leads to a hammock, good book and home theater system with all my favorite movies. One is peaceful & stable yet lonely while the other is massive swings up & down but with people to keep me company. I can't have both.... but that seems to be what I want. The question is: can I have my cake & eat it too??? I don't see how it's possible. I hate letting myself care about anything but I understand that my logic is just trying to temper my emotions with a cold bath of past experience. Either way I don't know what to do. But what I do know is that I have to make sure I get my logic & emotions to make the decision together & not let one override the other. Ugh.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Hunter Gatherer

Currently I blazed through the first 2 seasons of Sons of Anarchy.... if you are a male, watch it.... I guarantee you'll want to go buy the following 3 things 1. A motorcycle (preferably a Harley) 2. A big belt knife 3. A handgun. Also you'll probably want to quit your job, join a MC (motorcycle club) and start a life of crime. At least that's what happened to me. Workins for the birds... I want to ride around Nor-cal tearing stuff up & shooting rival gang members. OK...not really but my immaturity sure would like that. Also I've been getting in touch with my inner redneck & applied for various hunts this year. Turkeys & Deer... this is something I've never done & am a bit apprehensive about it... not about the shooting/stalking my prey part, but the part where I have to skin/gut/whatever you do once you've shot a wild animal... I consider myself outdoorsy & have camped/trekked all over the country but I already know that if I actually manage to kill one of those beasts I'll probably be like "uhhh sooo what now"? I have no clue how to do that stuff & I guess I better figure that out before I go killing (like Chuck Norris, I don't hunt... I kill) so we'll see how that goes. Side note: I spent 3hrs hiking up/through/down the Wasatch mountains in snow that was sometimes waist deep looking for Turkeys.... good exercise but overall a cold, wet, exhausting experience that resulted in us returning empty handed. We saw a female Turkey though... so I don't feel that cheated. Part of me wonders if I'm that guy that barfs if I have to do the butchering... Which led me to thinking, we've got it pretty easy these days, no messy bloody chopping beyond cutting the saran wrap off the packaged meat. And I, for one, admittedly I like it that way.. but I must appease my animal spirit & learn how to do this. Why? 1 part test of manhood & 1 part preparation. what if the proverbial crap hit the fan & the current system broke down? Knowing this crud could pay off/feed me. Also it's my weird dream to one day kill a buffalo with a spear on horseback so I think this is the first step to achieving that dream. Yeah, I know... totally weird... but for some reason I just have that desire & am gonna go with it. Just going on these little hunts has made me realize that it would have totally sucked to be a pioneer... that and the fact that they all probably smelled really bad too.. And not having electricity...barf. People that say they wish they lived back then are either stupid or delusional. Yeah life was probably more simple but life expectancy was half what it is today & I bet if you had a time machine & went back you'd be back to the future in no time... the past was only cool when we think about the big picture... wars, westward expansion, indians, exploration, etc... but the nitty gritty details of that life (poor hygiene, life expectancy, disease, famine, zero flushable toilets, nasty food, no hostess products, no coke, no dentist, crap doctors...) makes the reality of the past kind of a hygiene horror story to me. I know I could hack it but I'd rather not....one cold shower & I'd be back in the phone booth/DeLorean so instead I'll continue to be a modern man that dabbles in Davy Crockett-like behavior...while wearing deodorant.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Words of wisdom

It's about time I had another movie clip post.... here's some of the best advice the silver screen has to offer...
Enjoy (warning... some contain explicit material that may not be appropriate for minors/religious fanatics)

The Facts of Life
Johnny Quid
How to Slap a Man
This is Your Life
The Fountain (the entire freakin movie)
Words of wisdom from Heman
Words of wisdom from Mr. T

As always.... more to come.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Matticus!

These are the days when men cease to be Men.... yep, I made the first one lower case b/c guys today are little wimpy politically correct sissy men...This weekend I got to hear how "us" guys today aren't doing "their job" and people are wondering why.... and so my epistle begins...I was talking with a group of guys (late twenties) this weekend about changes in our society over the last 100 years & realized that we are a society of guys that are wimps.... even 50 years ago Men still existed in abundance but today's "man" is a far cry from that generation...  let me explain. The modern man is a gaylord. And not only because he wears tight pants & has girl hair (bahahaha.. modern mens fashion is a completely different topic) But because no matter what our elders tell us... the problem with guys today is that they are letting emotions/delusions rule them, when it should be cold hard logic (mingled with sprinklings of appropriate emotional responses). Yes I know I'm generalizing but in my view there's far too many fancy-pants peter-panning around chasing after dreams of glory & deserving fortune, but there is a extreme lack of ambition to achieve said glory & fortune.... it's like they feel like they deserve it so it should just happen, or mommy & daddy should step in & deliver that which was promised during story time.... we are a spoiled society where parents have given too much... children don't have to work for what they want anymore, and if they do.... they are "emotionally scarred & mistreated" .... It's like everyone has great expectations but doesn't get that you're going to have to work if you actually want to achieve them... there's a sickening sense of entitlement... like individuals are owed things based on their own delusions of grandeur or because they had an easy upbringing. Men of the past weren't that way... they fought and died in wars... they watched their children & wives starve... they bled for their bread & tightened their belts while handing their morsels to those they loved. Sadly, those days are dead.... the rise of the modern man has forever changed society & what was once something respected (masculinity) has become something to be reviled.... the stoic Man that was a foundation for all he supported has now become a emotionally driven dandy that's sense of entitlement & fear has driven us down to the dust.... people wonder why there are so many divorces.... I believe it's b/c of this fantasy land people live in... we watch television (knowing its not real) but are somehow deceived into thinking that the farce on the screen is how life should be/really is... well I've got news amigos... if it was, then we would all be millionaires with amazing looking wives/husbands & we'd all have perfect teeth/children/etc.... So where's my ferrari!!! am I saying that we should be heartless cruel people devoid of all emotion? of course not! but something has to change. Today's "man" is yesterdays boy... Real Men should use hard work, logic, and reasoning to determine how their life should be/go. Using emotion sparingly and openly but only when necessary. It's not "cold" or "heartless" to not say everything you feel every second... its smart. There are those that depend on others to be their rock/foundation. If you reserve yourself you will be better able to cope during times of crisis and step up to the plate & alleviate those fears with reasoning and iron will. If you're a blubbering wimp along with the masses you'll get no where fast. It's not like those guys don't feel pain or sorrow. It's that they are able to cope with it and not let it crush them. (modern psychologists call it "internalizing".... I call it "bucking up") They do what needs doing and take care of business, saving their grief, pain, sadness, or whatever for the appropriate time. Life isn't easy. But Men don't expect it to be. They just press on and do what needs doing. Sometimes emotions get in the way of logic & reason... it's not that they should be brushed aside, more like they should be bridled & let the solution come at the behest of the reality & not the fantasy of the situation. I'm not saying be a insensitive hardass that is devoid of all emotion... that's stupid... but take into consideration that YOU are the master of your domain & YOU are the one people are going to look to when the crap hits the fan. Be someone people can depend on, lean on, and count on for sound guidance in times of trouble. Yes we live differently now than before... it's not life or death on a daily basis... but the way we have changed is NOT healthy. And in no way am I blaming this on the feminist movement. Women are entitled to the same freedoms and rights as men & I believe that the person with the brains should get the job regardless of sex/creed/color. I love independent women! To be totally honest I find successful women insanely attractive (as opposed to intimidating). But men today are much more feminine & I don't think it's doing any wonders for our society.  Heck... look at what women today want in a man.... Edward the sissy sensitive undead vampire or uber groomed Zac Effron... which leads to my next point... what is expected of guys today? Women in our religion are taught to expect perfection and nothing less.... which is the opposite of what the guys are taught (just get married to a member of the opposite sex that breathes oxygen). The girls expect successful perfect men right off the bat and they should probably look like Brad Pitt to boot. The guys expect gorgeous women that will be perfect little Stepford wives.... It's like people don't get that you'll never find someone that is perfect, and that's why there are so many singles... Yes, I've dated girls that had things that drove me bonkers, but I totally understood (sometimes too late) that I have things that drive other people nuts too! That's life. I think finding someone you can love & be with forever is really finding someone where you recognize their flaws but they are insignificant when compared to their positives. Also someone that will stand up for their own beliefs/opinions while not stepping on others domineeringly. No one is perfect... and we shouldn't expect them to be. I'm not saying lower your standards to anyone!!! Just accept that you are an imperfect person and not the little lordling you think you are. Several of my past relationships hit bumps when either myself or the other party was unwilling to concede that fact & in time the relationship dissolved or suffered for it. Compromise & flexibility is VITAL for a relationship to work & I believe you should find someone that accepts you for you & expects the same in return... no pushing/harassing/controlling... just loving and accepting. Changes to those undesired aspects will usually result as both parties seek the greater good (although you should never, ever just marry someone hoping they will change... if you do, you'll probably end up disappointed). As for guys not being emotional enough.... well one day when things melt down for whatever reason (death in the family, loss of employment, strife) you'll be glad that you have a rock that can put aside his own grief/fear/pain to be the rock that says "everything will be ok" and actually mean it... because he knows he'll break his own neck to make sure you're taken care of & feel secure & safe. Not some wimp that will wail & moan beside you crying that all is lost & abandon ship. Real men don't ride the waves of emotion... they are the lighthouses that guide storm tossed ships back to port. And no.... I'm not this guy yet...nor am I pretending to be... but one day I hope to be. I lack in so many ways but I aspire to this paragon of Manhood... A caring devoted dude that sacrifices what is necessary to provide for others whether it's temporally, spiritually, physically, or emotionally.... without faltering or failing. so until I die, my resolve is not to seem the best but in fact to be the best... and that's entirely up to me to achieve.

p.s. I saw this website when looking for an Atticus Finch picture.... divine intervention

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Music for the morning after


Ok... so there's not going to be any rant, but I mentioned it before so I felt the need to include that word. done. Sooo yeah, it's been a few weeks of recovery & reflection. Not easy, nor fun. That's about all I'd like to say about that. Anyways, Lately I've been rediscovering old music in my archive that may be old school but is still totally awesome. Just to name a few.... Remember Bush? totally still awesome. Metallica? still has a rage-fueled spot in my heart, Oasis? awesome. CCR? EPIC. Pink Floyd? always awesome... it's almost to the point where I feel like not even bothering with new stuff b/c the old stuff is still sooooo gooood. Maybe it's the nostalgia? Most of the songs have some mental picture/memory attached from a particular time/point in my life.. whether it's walking around campus at school, some girl, or even one of those moments where time stands still & you just realize that everything is not only "ok" but it's freakin perfect. Certain songs have certain memories, some good, some bad... but the fact that music can still dredge emotions out of someone ten years after the incident, or take you back to your childhood is amazing. It's especially nice when you're looking to escape from your current reality. Every time I hear Pink Floyd I think of our red minivan & our exoduses to Idaho every summer, images of golden wheat blowing in the breeze, swaying cottonwoods predicting a summer storm, the dust kicking bits of everything across the corral, my grandmas homemade milkshakes & my grandpas old truck, hell... even the smell of the place... it's all there, waiting to be unlocked from the vault of seemingly forgotten memories by a series of chords & words that throw open the floodgates & remind you of better times. Cheesy? yes. But true (for me anyways) I listen to music all the time & most of the time prefer the nostalgia to the "noise" that fills 90% of the day.... even the stuff that brings back the darker days reminds me even though the memories may suck, the music is still good & I got through it in the end. Also cheesy. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we didn't have electricity.... part of me wants to make back up vinyls & get one of those wind up record players so if the shit hits the fan I'll still have my music. I dunno, I guess I'm just feeling really sentimental lately. Or maybe I just forgot how awesome older music was/is/will continue to be. Think about it... and in the meantime think about this too... “When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have.” I agree wholeheartedly with that quote... sometimes music stirs something inside you that has never existed & may never truly exist... except in that moment... creating a memory that your future self will recall as one of these "moments in music" that make what was, at the time an ordinary event, into something extraordinary that you felt was epic or pivotal. For example, when I listen to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AEU5pBxY6E It brings emotions to the surface... no not the  "I'm a weakling & gonna cry" type of emotions... I just feel this sense of something of epic proportions should be happening like a full scale battle or mortal combat between nemesis's ...or maybe it's just bipolar manifestations via delusions of glory & self-importance?? nah... more like awesome music doing it's job. Maybe that's a weird example but it's the only quick thing that came to mind. Another thought.. classical has a MUCH different impact on me than other types. I think guys like Mozart, Clint Mansell & ES Posthumus are inspired... can't say if it's divine but I sometimes wonder if they are truly God touched, or just savants, lacking in some areas whilst overly proficient in others... I don't know but music has been on my mind for weeks now... I love it... almost as much as I love breathing. End of epistle.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Viva Skeletor!

It's true..... He has returned (in moderation of course....) I've got a rant brewing but have not the time to post... will do in the next few days... unless it's burned out, then I'll just write some funny shia.

uhhhhh.
uhhhhhhhhh
na-na-na-naaaaaaa

Monday, January 31, 2011

Update

The previous post was written many months ago but I forgot to post it... I just read it & realized for the most part I am in agreement.... but current events have proven that I'm in fact not made of stone and capable of feeling. Yes she's pretty awesome/cute/cool/funny/etc.... Yes I sent skeletor on vacation, do I miss him though?? to be 100% honest.... sometimes.... but I think everyone has that part of themselves. Something I discovered over the last year that has been life changing... Exactly what makes this guy happy. People like to say that we can't be happy all of the time but I think taking time to figure out how you work, what your own issues are, and finding a way to change yourself so you can find a way to be happy no matter what is not only possible but something everyone should endeavor to do. It takes a lot of introspection, self-assessment, collective constructive criticism from friends, family, and even enemies/ex's, and a whole lotta patience and admissions of your own retardedness. The thing is: the assessment never ends. But the best part is once you've got your mind in the right place you can analyze things differently & process the changes in a much more organized & structured manner. Before I feel like it was insane chaos... 90% emotion 10% logic & reasoning... now I might have reversed that ratio which I can't tell if it is good or bad. Being skeletor had some negative effects I am just now realizing.... lack of emotion, lack of empathy, coldness, lack of feeling, and a attitude geared towards preserving of life on snake mountain at all costs. On the bright side I've gained more independence & realized that I'm the master of myself/happiness but other people can also add to it. Sooo I'm working on a happy medium. Life is good, my job is...a job, and the Realm of Stanley has a new addition! Pierce Markus Stanley.... awesome. I'll try to not suck at updating this in the near future. And I'll also continue to work on not being such a A-hole.

Sequence complete.

Senor Stanley

Catch-22

It's been a while & I guess it's about time I spewed forth more banter on things that bug/inspire me. The situation is thus: I love my life. let me elaborate: I love my bachelor's/skeletor-like life. further elaboration: I love my single, drama free life. no more elaboration necessary. Things are good, my job is still there & there's always more to do, my nieces are the coolest people in the world, my good friends are slowly gravitating towards SLC, and I don't have any terminal illnesses to speak of. The problem is that according to my dads pep-talk last week I'm not "progressing eternally" blah blah blah. Here's where the catch-22 comes in....

Definition: Catch-22:
    1. A situation in which a desired outcome or solution is impossible to attain because of a set of inherently illogical rules or conditions: "In the Catch-22 of a closed repertoire, only music that is already familiar is thought to deserve familiarity" (Joseph McLennan).
    2. The rules or conditions that create such a situation.
  1. A situation or predicament characterized by absurdity or senselessness.
  2. A contradictory or self-defeating course of action: "The Catch-22 of his administration was that every grandiose improvement scheme began with community dismemberment" (Village Voice).
  3. A tricky or disadvantageous condition; a catch: "Of course, there is a Catch-22 with Form 4868-you are supposed to include a check if you owe any additional tax, otherwise you face some penalties" (New York).
So basically in order to "progress" I am going to have to conform to the stupid rules/conditions that come before that, thereby sacrificing my current state of Zen to risk stress & emotional derailment all for the sake of something that is entirely dependent (within reason of course) on another person. Retarded. My mind see's this as me stabbing myself in order to "maybe" get into a paul walker type skull'n'bones club (minus the million dollar check & awesome vintage automobile).... it's gonna hurt, it's gonna be messy, it's gonna cost me time & money.... and I don't see how this "club" is really worth stabbing myself over and over hoping one day maybe I'll get in. Yeah, I want kids... Yeah I want to get married, but I guess I don't want to embark on the hellish road that takes one there (aka: dating with intentions of marriage). I've been around the block long enough to know that it's mostly scorched earth & demons when Matt Stanley (yep... third person) attempts the impossible. Maybe I'm biased or bitter, but I don't think so. Experienced is probably a better word. Yes I date, but I've steeled myself to not give a crap beyond having fun. No feelings, no commitments, no promises. Complete lockdown. No offense female readers but ya'll really are the main perps to the lack of marital bliss in the LDS commune...Now comes my reasoning- Men assume all the risk in the first place & then are expected to continue to do so while you guys sit back and gloat, only divulging scraps when it's convenient or you start to lose control. Veritable Puppetmasters of us poor helpless men... hahahaha just kidding.  So in the last few years I've heard a bazillion girls complain that guys just want to "hang out" but strangely enough, they are the ones that are cryptic about everything under the sun & just sit back & let us duderino's spend our precious time & money when you don't really care but have nothing better to do...or conversely have crazy unrealistic expectations you stupidly share, like how much money they expect their fantasy hubby to make or saying stupid things like "I don't want to get married until later" that stuff makes guys like me have zero interest in even being friends with you & your retarded vocalizations. If you say things like that it shouldn't be a shock that you don't get a call to go out again...and FYI- we men do tell/warn each other about idiots/easy girls... so either keep banking on your hotness or be not surprised on those oh-so-lonely nights. We men have to do the asking, telling, paying, etc..... and you wonder why we are hesitant??? my advice to you single pissed off women: stop letting us guys ask you to hang out & say something snarky i.e. "Hey gaylord, are you trying to ask me on a date"?. I guarantee that will make most guys start stuttering. Dudes- If you want to take her on a date don't use anything other than that actual word. Doing otherwise allows loopholes in the whole shebang that will bite you in the butt later (i.e. the friend zone). Dudes & Betty's- If you're just interested in friendship make it apparent by using your larynx to create noises called words b/c body language/telepathy isn't going to work. ( heard a girl say "doesn't he know that if a girl doesn't look at you when she talks she's not interested"?? weird.. I would have mistaken that as shyness due to her basking in my glorious presence) and don't have your friend tell her/his friend... immature & retarded (not to mention you'll get a bad rap for being a douchewad). Knowing is half the battle for both parties. Again... maybe I just suck at picking girls but 99% of girls I've dated (over time.... none of this biz should be discussed without either; A long history of friendship that led to courtship or lots of dates) don't offer up any information without first milking everything they can out of you. Then, after making an assessment, us men get  microscopic/vague uselessness that is typically generic & "safe" or on the flipside utterly creepy & crazy. barf on you ladies. Stop sitting back & crying b/c you never get asked on dates & get off your ass & do some of the work (or in some cases, stop saying retarded stuff) and speak up. Just thinking about starting to date with the intentions of finding an EC (Mormo lingo for Eternal Companion) makes me anxious & sick to my stomach.... maybe it has something to do with the experiences I've had over the last decade? or the ones that treat dating like a "Conan The Barbarian kills everyone" conquest of the opposite sex (serial daters)... I dunno, but my whole perspective on the intentions of females is officially warped, and its from my horrible experiences & observing them in the wild....not my subconscious or prejudices. Maybe I'm feeling this b/c I actually finally might have found a girl that doesn't suck & I'm subconsciously prepping my defenses for an all-out assault?? buuut it's probably that I just think too much. My analytical side is always waging war with my feelings.... lately the analytical has been ruling the roost & it's been nice... does that mean that I hate feelings? or just the roller coaster ride women put men through? The funny part is, dudes reading this probably pretend that this crap never occurred to them, or that it's an over-analysis by some sissy guy that got butt hurt. 98% False. This is basically a compilation of conversations/whinings I've had/had to listen to with guys & girls over the last year. Sometimes it was a dude bitching cuz he got the "just a friend/buddy chat" or lost out to that guy that was "just her guy friend", sometimes a sobbing girl that "will never date again" (ha), or even my own thoughts on the subject (2%). In the end both parties have some culpability. But I personally think it's time for women to step up to the plate cuz the majority of whining is coming from their direction. Now some sense & reason from the logical side of my brain- From a purely analytical standpoint, dating (for men) is the most incredible waste of time & resources one could make. You're basically investing/allocating time & resources into an endeavor that has  a 99% failure rate... in my industry it's a no-brainer.... no return = no investment. I know... it's ridiculous to think about it that way & the last year or so I've adjusted that to not letting a scrap of emotions enter the game & so far it's worked wonderfully. No emotional risk yields a quiet, nice, level, zen-like state of being. Sadly it makes dating someone consistently a problem. This aversion to risk is hampering things but I can't help it. You get burned enough & you learn that fire is indeed hot... so you tend to stay the hell away from it. I follow the stupid rules & treat girls well & all that blah blah but that's not it... it's that you can play by all the rules, take on the risk, do what feels right/wrong, and all the rest of the generic caca but in the end you're gambling against the house that it's gonna work out in the short term (let alone the cliff jump into nuptials).... oh and this casino has only one game: Five bullet Russian roulette. So it;s either brains on the wall or euphoric victory. Thus ends my testibaloney on why older guys like myself don't like dating nonsensical girls & much prefer to "hang out", thereby averting heavy long term emotional risk whilst deriving short term physical returns. hahaha I kiiiiiiiiiiiid.

Name'o'Jesus Amen

I hope you enjoyed reading this burlesque masterpiece as much as I enjoyed writing it.