Monday, January 31, 2011

Catch-22

It's been a while & I guess it's about time I spewed forth more banter on things that bug/inspire me. The situation is thus: I love my life. let me elaborate: I love my bachelor's/skeletor-like life. further elaboration: I love my single, drama free life. no more elaboration necessary. Things are good, my job is still there & there's always more to do, my nieces are the coolest people in the world, my good friends are slowly gravitating towards SLC, and I don't have any terminal illnesses to speak of. The problem is that according to my dads pep-talk last week I'm not "progressing eternally" blah blah blah. Here's where the catch-22 comes in....

Definition: Catch-22:
    1. A situation in which a desired outcome or solution is impossible to attain because of a set of inherently illogical rules or conditions: "In the Catch-22 of a closed repertoire, only music that is already familiar is thought to deserve familiarity" (Joseph McLennan).
    2. The rules or conditions that create such a situation.
  1. A situation or predicament characterized by absurdity or senselessness.
  2. A contradictory or self-defeating course of action: "The Catch-22 of his administration was that every grandiose improvement scheme began with community dismemberment" (Village Voice).
  3. A tricky or disadvantageous condition; a catch: "Of course, there is a Catch-22 with Form 4868-you are supposed to include a check if you owe any additional tax, otherwise you face some penalties" (New York).
So basically in order to "progress" I am going to have to conform to the stupid rules/conditions that come before that, thereby sacrificing my current state of Zen to risk stress & emotional derailment all for the sake of something that is entirely dependent (within reason of course) on another person. Retarded. My mind see's this as me stabbing myself in order to "maybe" get into a paul walker type skull'n'bones club (minus the million dollar check & awesome vintage automobile).... it's gonna hurt, it's gonna be messy, it's gonna cost me time & money.... and I don't see how this "club" is really worth stabbing myself over and over hoping one day maybe I'll get in. Yeah, I want kids... Yeah I want to get married, but I guess I don't want to embark on the hellish road that takes one there (aka: dating with intentions of marriage). I've been around the block long enough to know that it's mostly scorched earth & demons when Matt Stanley (yep... third person) attempts the impossible. Maybe I'm biased or bitter, but I don't think so. Experienced is probably a better word. Yes I date, but I've steeled myself to not give a crap beyond having fun. No feelings, no commitments, no promises. Complete lockdown. No offense female readers but ya'll really are the main perps to the lack of marital bliss in the LDS commune...Now comes my reasoning- Men assume all the risk in the first place & then are expected to continue to do so while you guys sit back and gloat, only divulging scraps when it's convenient or you start to lose control. Veritable Puppetmasters of us poor helpless men... hahahaha just kidding.  So in the last few years I've heard a bazillion girls complain that guys just want to "hang out" but strangely enough, they are the ones that are cryptic about everything under the sun & just sit back & let us duderino's spend our precious time & money when you don't really care but have nothing better to do...or conversely have crazy unrealistic expectations you stupidly share, like how much money they expect their fantasy hubby to make or saying stupid things like "I don't want to get married until later" that stuff makes guys like me have zero interest in even being friends with you & your retarded vocalizations. If you say things like that it shouldn't be a shock that you don't get a call to go out again...and FYI- we men do tell/warn each other about idiots/easy girls... so either keep banking on your hotness or be not surprised on those oh-so-lonely nights. We men have to do the asking, telling, paying, etc..... and you wonder why we are hesitant??? my advice to you single pissed off women: stop letting us guys ask you to hang out & say something snarky i.e. "Hey gaylord, are you trying to ask me on a date"?. I guarantee that will make most guys start stuttering. Dudes- If you want to take her on a date don't use anything other than that actual word. Doing otherwise allows loopholes in the whole shebang that will bite you in the butt later (i.e. the friend zone). Dudes & Betty's- If you're just interested in friendship make it apparent by using your larynx to create noises called words b/c body language/telepathy isn't going to work. ( heard a girl say "doesn't he know that if a girl doesn't look at you when she talks she's not interested"?? weird.. I would have mistaken that as shyness due to her basking in my glorious presence) and don't have your friend tell her/his friend... immature & retarded (not to mention you'll get a bad rap for being a douchewad). Knowing is half the battle for both parties. Again... maybe I just suck at picking girls but 99% of girls I've dated (over time.... none of this biz should be discussed without either; A long history of friendship that led to courtship or lots of dates) don't offer up any information without first milking everything they can out of you. Then, after making an assessment, us men get  microscopic/vague uselessness that is typically generic & "safe" or on the flipside utterly creepy & crazy. barf on you ladies. Stop sitting back & crying b/c you never get asked on dates & get off your ass & do some of the work (or in some cases, stop saying retarded stuff) and speak up. Just thinking about starting to date with the intentions of finding an EC (Mormo lingo for Eternal Companion) makes me anxious & sick to my stomach.... maybe it has something to do with the experiences I've had over the last decade? or the ones that treat dating like a "Conan The Barbarian kills everyone" conquest of the opposite sex (serial daters)... I dunno, but my whole perspective on the intentions of females is officially warped, and its from my horrible experiences & observing them in the wild....not my subconscious or prejudices. Maybe I'm feeling this b/c I actually finally might have found a girl that doesn't suck & I'm subconsciously prepping my defenses for an all-out assault?? buuut it's probably that I just think too much. My analytical side is always waging war with my feelings.... lately the analytical has been ruling the roost & it's been nice... does that mean that I hate feelings? or just the roller coaster ride women put men through? The funny part is, dudes reading this probably pretend that this crap never occurred to them, or that it's an over-analysis by some sissy guy that got butt hurt. 98% False. This is basically a compilation of conversations/whinings I've had/had to listen to with guys & girls over the last year. Sometimes it was a dude bitching cuz he got the "just a friend/buddy chat" or lost out to that guy that was "just her guy friend", sometimes a sobbing girl that "will never date again" (ha), or even my own thoughts on the subject (2%). In the end both parties have some culpability. But I personally think it's time for women to step up to the plate cuz the majority of whining is coming from their direction. Now some sense & reason from the logical side of my brain- From a purely analytical standpoint, dating (for men) is the most incredible waste of time & resources one could make. You're basically investing/allocating time & resources into an endeavor that has  a 99% failure rate... in my industry it's a no-brainer.... no return = no investment. I know... it's ridiculous to think about it that way & the last year or so I've adjusted that to not letting a scrap of emotions enter the game & so far it's worked wonderfully. No emotional risk yields a quiet, nice, level, zen-like state of being. Sadly it makes dating someone consistently a problem. This aversion to risk is hampering things but I can't help it. You get burned enough & you learn that fire is indeed hot... so you tend to stay the hell away from it. I follow the stupid rules & treat girls well & all that blah blah but that's not it... it's that you can play by all the rules, take on the risk, do what feels right/wrong, and all the rest of the generic caca but in the end you're gambling against the house that it's gonna work out in the short term (let alone the cliff jump into nuptials).... oh and this casino has only one game: Five bullet Russian roulette. So it;s either brains on the wall or euphoric victory. Thus ends my testibaloney on why older guys like myself don't like dating nonsensical girls & much prefer to "hang out", thereby averting heavy long term emotional risk whilst deriving short term physical returns. hahaha I kiiiiiiiiiiiid.

Name'o'Jesus Amen

I hope you enjoyed reading this burlesque masterpiece as much as I enjoyed writing it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Merci d'avoir un blog interessant