Thursday, June 16, 2011

Return of the King...

I've let him sleep too long... years ago, my friends and I ruled a rexburgian empire... our holdings were vast & our conquests many... then I graduated & turned into Mr. S-BS, got a 7-5 career oriented job & forgot how to act like royalty. My friends all got married & parties & chicks became less and less important when compared to my 401k match & profit-sharing. My demeanor became more structured & businesslike... and I forgot how to be a kid & act like the world revolves around me (doesn't it?) I like to think I'm calm & collected in dangerous situations(not involving snakes), stressful situations, really weird situations, or similar events (within reason, there are always extremes & everyone has the occasional freakout) The exception is when I'm confronted with the female situation... What the heck is it about girls that I find attractive that absolutely kills my composure & muddles my brain?? I turn into some blubbering idiot & say tons of stupid shit. It's super lame & annoys me to death. It also doesn't help that my buddy's totally exploit this problem of mine for sport... For example: went to my buddies baby blessing & saw a cute girl. realized my idiot mode had already kicked in so made sure not to next to her (lest I let my mouth open & make unintelligent noises) I was kinda hoping that someone/her would break the ice & I could use it as a stepping stone to a normal conversation where I actually manage not to say stupid stuff. Nope. My married buddy quickly comes over and while winking and elbowing me loudly says "HEY STAN, move over next to that hot babe so I can sit by my wife" yes... she heard him. Yes... I was instantly beyond embarrassed... I shot at him daggers that I wished drew blood & scooted over/tried not to pass out from the cold rush of blood to my head. I then tried to chat with her in my flustered state while my married buddies piped in other embarrassing comments & prodded me. I quickly felt extremely awkward/nauseous & fled the scene in the utmost of haste....end of interaction... I felt like a 12yr old... It's actually really funny now but at the time I wish I could have died. Sometimes I don't have problems at all... and it reaaaalllllly helps when I'm not super embarrassed from the start amigos.  If there's a wing-man (that's not out to watch me squirm) I tend not to be such a sissy either. I give presentations to my colleagues, speak with top executives in major corporations, and own most situations that could be considered stressful..... but speaking with a girl I've never met or think is really pretty shatters all my composure in milliseconds... I hate it. It's stupid. Sometimes even though I've taken a girl out that I know really well I still have sporadic moments where I feel completely out of my element or say stupid stuff that I should keep in my head.  What the eff does this to me? pheromones? adrenaline? the crazy awkwardness is sometimes funny, sometimes humiliating... but mostly the latter. I wish I could have had a re-do sometimes but I guess that's what makes dating so much darn fun...barf. Plus it helps when girls aren't so damn enigmatic all the time, don't us guys have to do enough of the work??? ohhhhh man... I don't even want to get started on that subject...  On another lighter note... I realized that since this is bloggarito is public, people I interact with can read it.. so please...if you read my ramblings... try not to read into things I say, as I do this mostly for me to process thoughts/ideas or whatever is on my mind... not to get attention or be passive aggressive towards particular people... that would be totally lame for me to do. End of disclaimer. Soooo let it be known... I'm about to embark on a journey to conquer this stupidness once and for all, and bring back the once and future king. I hope my friends hold me up to this boast & Dan.... next time you make that offer... be prepared to fork over some cash... but for the love... don't hinder me by making things more difficult than they already are!!!!


Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Do I extinguish the spark or fan it? My logic says to put that crap out before you get burned again while my emotions are attempting to throw combustibles on it. The problem isn't me... It's the enigma of others intentions. Did I make a mistake??? I don't know. The funny thing is that when people say to just go with how you feel it's not really good advice b/c you really can feel two completely different things at once. It's like I'm on a bridge, I've got a torch in my hand & no matter which side I choose I've got to light the bridge on fire when I cross. One side is a open to the public willy wonka land while the other is a private secluded trail that leads to a hammock, good book and home theater system with all my favorite movies. One is peaceful & stable yet lonely while the other is massive swings up & down but with people to keep me company. I can't have both.... but that seems to be what I want. The question is: can I have my cake & eat it too??? I don't see how it's possible. I hate letting myself care about anything but I understand that my logic is just trying to temper my emotions with a cold bath of past experience. Either way I don't know what to do. But what I do know is that I have to make sure I get my logic & emotions to make the decision together & not let one override the other. Ugh.