Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dirty Thirty

I have mixed feelings about this... My 20's were really good to me... but I'm happy with where I am in life & how I got where I am. Life is good, I've got good friends, a good job, awesome family, adorable nieces & nephews, and my motorcycle. Is my life what I thought it would be? no, it's actually completely different in some aspects but right on track with others. But I'm happy with the roads I've taken to get to this point and have minimal regrets. Sure there are things that I wish could have worked out & didn't but that's life... plus who knows? there's always second chances for everything... or thirds... or sometimes even fourths (I think I don't learn some things very quickly) There are people I miss, people I hope to never see again, and people I hope I run into, but regardless of whether it was a good/bad experience I wouldn't be who I am today without them. Yeah, sometimes I feel alone & stuff but I usually give myself a reality check & literally count my blessings (i.e. that I am not starving in Africa, getting shot at in the Middle East, being controlled by an iron fist in Asia/Russia, or other horrible situations that exist around the globe) You could argue that pretty much every American has it better than the majority of the world. We have problems but none that involve dallying with death on a daily basis or being repressed to death. Sometimes I have a crap attitude about things but it only lasts a day or two before I pimpslap myself into admitting I'm just being a little bitch. I think everyone has pity parties every now and then but the thing is (I currently need to grasp this concept as well) the past is the past... you can't change it... but what you can do is move forward knowing that nothing you do/feel/want can alter the fact that things happened the way they did. Yeah, regrets constantly smack around in my head but I can't change things... and I accept that & try to move on as best I can. Holy crap I wish some things were different... but they aren't & I understand & am ok with it. The only regrets I have are generally fickle & selfish & mostly stupid idiotic things I've done/said. The only things that still affect me are justified but they don't rule me. I hope this doesn't sound crazy? I've been realizing that since we are here to learn Godly traits I assume we are supposed to have a bit of suffering every now and then... so in a twisted way I hate yet also relish the hard times because that's when I tend to learn the most about myself & how I really feel about everything. Sometimes I feel alone & no one understands me & my awkwardass self.... but I am consoled by the fact that I try to be myself in all my ridiculous glory... no false pretenses, masks, fronts.... just awkward, nerdy, idiotic, me. Sometimes I try to apply a "shut the eff up" filter but unfortunately, I usually end up saying whatever pops into my head.... sometimes to my ultimate detriment. Other times things make 1000% sense in my head but when I open my mouth it comes out as absolute gibberish/harsh/slightly insane & it sucks but I can't help it. I tend to think logically & sometimes don't comprehend how my statements  can be interpreted so many different ways.. also to my detriment. Maybe it's time I started trying to change this part of me (in addition to tons of other stuff) Introspection is tough, it's hard to admit you suck at things & try to change... it would be much easier if others just told you the things you suck at but most people are afraid to hurt peoples feelings. I guess self-mastery & introspection are just another stepping stone to becoming closer to the end goal but in the meantime it sure makes me feel like dirt.... which dampens the whole "have joy" part.... I need to not feel so guilty all the time, I blame myself for pretty much everything that goes wrong & can't help but feel the struggles I endure are directly related to my personal iniquities or failings. If God does hold grudges I'm toast but I sometimes wonder if he's just disappointed because I'm not living up to what he see's as my potential? and if so would that cause him to withhold blessings as a type of punishment? I hope not but ultimately wish I could have a pow-wow with the guy for some divine constructive criticism.  This is getting waaaaay longer than I meant. It's time to listen to Henry B. Eyrings law of increasing returns .... it's really not the same to read vs. listen... his tone & manner of speech make a world of difference to me.

Peace honkeys