Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Autumn

Calling Autumn Fall is like calling a Ferrari a Dodge.... don't ask me to explain.. I just hate calling it "Fall". Autumn is by far my favorite time of year, the smell, warm colors, crisp air, cool nights, wet leaves, rainy days, pumpkins, blah blah blah.... I freakin loooooove it. If it could be Autumn year round I would be fine with that. For some reason the changes during this season always make me introspective. Maybe it's the splendor around me that reminds me that God made this awesomeness & I am but a tiny cog in the mechanics of Gods super Ferrari... maybe it's just me trying to prepare for the cold crappy winter by sorting through the things in my life? don't really know, don't really mind. It's not always fun but it sure is always enlightening. I love the smell outside when I leave for work... the air is best described as "crisp" the smell of dew soaked leaves fills the air, the sound of crunching leaves as I walk, a touch of mist on the bench sometimes & I can usually see the sunlight just starting to make the tops of the eastern mountains glow. Life at 6am is serene. Sometimes I wish I could just sit & watch the sun come over those mountains, watching the neighborhood come alive like little worker bees or something. Its small moments like these that make me truly happy & remind me why I'm here.... not to become a billionaire, emperor, rockstar, celebrity, Nobel prize winner or anything like that.... I'm here to be happy. To learn to love myself & other people. To increase my knowledge temporally by using this life as a tool to learn how to learn and also how to teach. Fact: I'm not the best church going member, I have tons of self improvements I've sucked at implementing but lately I have been super grateful for the gospel that we have as well as this place we've been given. I'm blessed to be an American. I'm blessed to have learned about Jesus Christ & God in my youth. I'm blessed to have the interactions & experiences I've had with others, even the negative ones. The negative things hurt bad sometimes but they help me grow as a person & I think I wouldn't have the perspective I do if they never happened. Do I still have things I need to get over... of course... I'm working on it. To my friends I've been neglecting.... I'm sorry. I love you guys. To people I've wronged or offended... I'm also sincerely sorry. I'm not depressed or anything like that, I'm just trying to get right with myself & my God. I have felt kind of lost for a while, like I don't really fit in anymore... no, I don't need attention, I don't need sympathy, I don't need anything really. God shows me regularly how lucky I am. I wish I could make answering the crazy deep questions I have my full time job. I hate that we spend most of our day working so that we can be comfortable & usually I'm too selfish/stupid to use my spare time to get into studying the gospel. Sometimes I think that I have something to overcome or learn before I'm allowed to have what I really do want most (a family of my own). Maybe it's a matter of me not being worthy of it yet... maybe it's just not meant to be in this life.. I dunno. But right now I need to start changing my life to match the one I want. Honest truth... more than anything in the universe I want to be a dad. I've even looked into adopting a kid by myself but know it wouldn't work. I work too much & know I couldn't do it alone (changing diapers would kill me... I'd end up with a poopy diaper & my vomit everywhere). Am I desperate to get married? no, obviously not. Ideally I'd like to marry someone that I absolutely love & that absolutely loves me in the right place at the right time. However, have I been making an effort to make that happen?... not really. Do I date? Yes but not as much as I used to. Am I lonely? sometimes, but I'd hate to find someone & not be ready for it... Am I happy? yes! if anything I feel...incomplete. It's also hard when most of your close friends are married, I tend to feel a little like an oddball or something is wrong with me. For the record- I'm 30, single, and happy with where my life is going. My self-esteem with the fairer sex has definitely seen better days & that's the main thing I'm working on. My career is beginning to move in the direction I want & I am loving my work (ideally I would still rather win the powerball & retire this instant but we all have to eat..). I want to be better about praying, reading my scriptures, and stuff.... but I really don't anticipate me becoming a peter-priesthood/gung-ho... ever. I still think we Mormons are super dorky to the outside world & I still will dread/hate the stupid singles activities they come up with. This is long & probably way too personal. But I highly doubt I'm the only one that feels/has felt this way. Anyways I want to be better tomorrow than I am today, everyday. And I'm grateful God made the Autumn to remind me of these things... plus it seriously smells better than all the other seasons combined... times ten. 

1 comment:

tiffy tiff said...

Wow! Just so you know this post just summed up exactly what I've been feeling lately...so I thought I'd let you know...you're not the only one that feels/has felt this way!! :)